Sunday, February 03, 2013

I Really Don't Want to Do This, But . . .

I know that there are some people who say that they're totally okay with being overweight.  They say they have no need to conform to our culture's sick standards of beauty and that they can be comfortable in their own skin . . . no matter how much volume that skin covers.

I am not one of these people.  For as long as I can remember I've avoided looking at myself in mirrors.  So much so, in fact, that it's no longer active avoidance; it's now more a habitual neglect of them.  I just don't think about looking at myself, and when I do, I'm not happy with what I see.

I am, on the contrary, embarrassed.  Distressed.  Disgusted, even, isn't too strong a word.  Disappointed, for sure.

Remember, I'm a comic book fan from way back.  It's not just the female characters who have impossible body types!  I mean . . . have you ever taken a good look at Batman or Captain America?  So I'll cop to having my own distorted body image issues to deal with.

So why am I posting so publicly a photo of my bared basketball belly?

One answer is, because it's expected.  I keep making reference to my first vegetable and fruit juice "reboot," and the fact that I lost about fifty pounds.  I wasn't Kwai Chang Cane slim yet, nor Nightwing buff, but I sure looked different than I had at the beginning of the month.  And people noticed.  Yes, even though I've been wearing all black on Sunday mornings since I got to TJMC -- and black is supposed to be slimming, right? -- people noticed that I'd lost weight.  And since I was blogging about this experiment I had friends old and new from all over the country following my "journey."  And I can't tell you how many people asked for "before" pictures.

So here's the "before" picture.  Now you know.

The other reason for posting these pictures is to face my own disappointment, distress, embarrassment, and, yes, disgust.  There is an old saying from the Christian traditions:  God loves you just the way you are . . . and loves you too much to let you stay that way.  Whether I weigh the 305 lbs I've started this fast at, or the 175 or so that's my ultimate goal, the "me" within my body deserves my love and affection.  Certainly my acceptance.  And one way of dealing with shame is to shine light on it.

So this is what I look like under my "slimming" black pulpit attire.  I do not like what I see, but I need to be able to affirm that I like who I see.  Because if I don't there's no way I'll be able to make it through the challenges of this fast and, even more importantly, make the long-term changes this "reboot" is cleaning the decks for.

In Gassho,

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8 comments:

Anonymous said...

The "who" is a exceptional person!

Scott

Sarah said...

So much respect. Each step takes more courage than you ever imagined you had. And then when done, whew. Well done!

Jen said...

Good Luck!! I'm starting on the 12th and will be following your journey!!!!

Cheryl Baulding said...

This is very brave. Good luck but always keep your mind on health.Cheryl

Chris said...

Good for you, Rev. Wik! These before pictures will make for amazing comparisons as you move toward your goal. (You don't know me...I'm just a guy in a congregation you visiting-preached a few years back.)

Anne said...

Your courage and honesty are inspirational, shocking, and, frankly, quite sweet. You are a role model for those of us who know what it's like.

Anonymous said...

We'll be cheering all the way as you take each step toward good health.

Bravo for your courage and determination.

Ann Salamini said...

If you erase the features, just leave the outline and draw in the skeleton, you can see just what mechanical stresses the extra weight puts on one's body. Plus the blood pressure surges when you try to bend over. This is serious stuff. Yet our bodies keep performing - soldiering on, as it were. We've gotta love em - so faithful. Let's take care of them!