I Really Don't Want to Do This, But . . .

 

I know that there are some people who say that they're totally okay with being overweight.  They say they have no need to conform to our culture's sick standards of beauty and that they can be comfortable in their own skin . . . no matter how much volume that skin covers.

I am not one of these people.  For as long as I can remember I've avoided looking at myself in mirrors.  So much so, in fact, that it's no longer active avoidance; it's now more a habitual neglect of them.  I just don't think about looking at myself, and when I do, I'm not happy with what I see.

I am, on the contrary, embarrassed.  Distressed.  Disgusted, even, isn't too strong a word.  Disappointed, for sure.

Remember, I'm a comic book fan from way back.  It's not just the female characters who have impossible body types!  I mean . . . have you ever taken a good look at Batman or Captain America?  So I'll cop to having my own distorted body image issues to deal with.

So why am I posting so publicly a photo of my bared basketball belly?

One answer is, because it's expected.  I keep making reference to my first vegetable and fruit juice "reboot," and the fact that I lost about fifty pounds.  I wasn't Kwai Chang Cane slim yet, nor Nightwing buff, but I sure looked different than I had at the beginning of the month.  And people noticed.  Yes, even though I've been wearing all black on Sunday mornings since I got to TJMC -- and black is supposed to be slimming, right? -- people noticed that I'd lost weight.  And since I was blogging about this experiment I had friends old and new from all over the country following my "journey."  And I can't tell you how many people asked for "before" pictures.

So here's the "before" picture.  Now you know.

The other reason for posting these pictures is to face my own disappointment, distress, embarrassment, and, yes, disgust.  There is an old saying from the Christian traditions:  God loves you just the way you are . . . and loves you too much to let you stay that way.  Whether I weigh the 305 lbs I've started this fast at, or the 175 or so that's my ultimate goal, the "me" within my body deserves my love and affection.  Certainly my acceptance.  And one way of dealing with shame is to shine light on it.

So this is what I look like under my "slimming" black pulpit attire.  I do not like what I see, but I need to be able to affirm that I like who I see.  Because if I don't there's no way I'll be able to make it through the challenges of this fast and, even more importantly, make the long-term changes this "reboot" is cleaning the decks for.

In Gassho,

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